Be Stoic

For our inaugural post, I would like to discuss a significant concern I have regarding the concept of “toxic masculinity,” specifically in relation to emotions. When conducting a quick Google search on masculinity and emotions, numerous articles emerge, all delving into how masculinity supposedly promotes the suppression of emotions. According to these articles, this suppression leads boys towards anxiety, depression, aggression, and some even argue that it fosters sociopathic and narcissistic behavior.

Typically, these articles follow a similar structure. They begin with a poignant story, illustrating the struggles of lonely or violent men, and then proceed to explain how these individuals were taught to repress their emotions and were discouraged from expressing vulnerability. They often highlight extreme examples of traditional, old-fashioned fathers who exhibit no affection towards their children or resort to physical abuse, punishing their sons for daring to shed a single tear when feeling sad.

The underlying implication in these articles is that masculinity is therefore, toxic, and perpetuates absolute emotional suppression, creating a harmful environment that adversely affects society as a whole, above all boys and men. They call this stoicism, then proceed to denigrate the concept and advocate that all men should be deeply vulnerable and emotional. While there may be many instances where certain aspects of traditional masculinity taken to the extreme contribute to negative outcomes, and become truly toxic, it is crucial to approach this topic with nuance and avoid generalizations.

It is my belief that the first and strongest pillar of a man should be stoicism, so let’s do a deep dive on the concept and what it truly means to be stoic.

Like many my whole understanding of stoicism came from the contemporary use of the word “stoic” commonly meaning “person who represses feelings or endures patiently”. But upon further reading. I realized that there was much more to the concept than simply being apathetic.

Stoicism is a philosophy that originated in ancient Greece and was later developed throughout Christianity, but never quite made it to mainstream modern-day philosophy. In his book, States of Violence, a book about conflicts, Frédéric Gros brings forth different categories of warriors. One such warrior is the stoic warrior, who draws upon these philosophical concepts to navigate the complexities of violence and conflict.

Stoicism teaches that the pursuit of virtue is the ultimate aim of life. Virtue encompasses qualities such as courage, justice, wisdom, and temperance. The stoic man regards the cultivation of these virtues as crucial to living a meaningful and fulfilling life. By prioritizing virtue, the stoic warrior strives to align their actions with moral excellence even in the midst of violence.

Stoicism emphasizes the distinction between what is within our control and what lies outside of it. The stoic man recognizes that they cannot control external circumstances or the actions of others. Instead, they direct their attention and effort towards cultivating inner strength, discipline, and wisdom. By focusing on what they can control—such as their thoughts, emotions, and responses—the stoic warrior maintains a sense of agency and resilience in the face of violence. This is such a major point, one that I feel causes the most of misunderstandings. Being stoic is not about being apathetic to events around you, being stoic is not about being emotionless.

Stoicism is a skill that requires nurturing, a mindset that emerges from a deep understanding of how the world operates. It involves recognizing that certain things lie beyond our control, and for those things, there is nothing to be done. Therefore, succumbing to despair or anxiety is futile. Once this understanding is internalized, the next step is to refine oneself to effectively influence and shape the areas within one’s sphere of influence. By doing so, one can maintain a clear mind when decisive action is most needed. However, if the outcome is ultimately beyond one’s grasp, it is crucial to accept it and acknowledge that there will be an appropriate time for grieving or processing emotions when your actions are no longer needed.

I feel compelled to share an anecdotal experience to provide a better understanding of my perspective. Throughout my life, I have encountered numerous tragedies—perhaps more than some, yet fewer than others. One particular incident took place late at night on a weekday. Being somewhat of a night owl, I was awake when the phone rang at 3 am. A stranger on the other end of the line asked for me by name and informed me that my father and stepmother had been involved in a car accident. I asked how he got my number and he said my sister had requested him to call. I tried to stay calm and asked if she was conscious and if I could speak with her. But truth is I could already hear her screaming in the background. He gave her the phone but she was too distressed to be of any help, I could verify it was her but that was all. The man picked up the phone again, told me he had called 911 and gave me the address of the accident.

I can vividly recall these moments from over a decade ago as if they occurred just yesterday. I could’ve despaired right there and then, cried my eyes out at the very real possibility of my father and step mother had passed away and for a moment that’s exactly what I wanted to do. However, immediately after, an image lodged itself in my mind—a vivid scene of the car crash, but with both of them still alive and time rapidly slipping away. If they were indeed deceased, then there was nothing within my power to change that. But what if they were still clinging to life? I could always grieve later but what I would never be able to do was forgive myself if for a second they had a chance and I decided for inaction, for despair.

Considering the circumstances and my proximity to the accident location, there was a chance that I could get there before 911. I tried my best to clear my mind and think what actions I could take to potentially improve their chances if I reached them first, my father was diabetic so I got his insulin and other meds, I called a relative who lived nearby and was a doctor, they could at least give first aid assistance if it came to that. We drove fast and got there at the same time the first responders did. There was nothing to be done. Both of them were pronounced deceased at the scene.

While the outcome was undeniably heartbreaking, I take solace in the fact that I did everything within my power to give them a fighting chance. It is a solemn lesson that has stayed with me, emphasizing the importance of seizing opportunities to act when the stakes are high, even in the face of potential tragedy. It was a moment of learning, not my first not my last, but it was definitely a moment where being truly stoic was necessary and where I tried my best to embrace it.

Stoicism teaches individuals to view obstacles and challenges as opportunities for growth and character development. The stoic man embraces adversity as a means to test and strengthen their resolve. They approach life with a resilient mindset, understanding that it is through overcoming obstacles that they can develop their virtues and emerge stronger.

Stoicism encourages individuals to detach their happiness and well-being from external outcomes or circumstances beyond their control. The stoic man focuses on their actions, intentions, and virtues rather than fixating on the outcome of encounters. This detachment allows them to maintain a sense of inner peace and contentment, regardless of the external results.

In summary, stoicism places great importance on living a virtuous life, to accept the inevitable and uncontrollable aspects of life, to cultivate emotional resilience, rigorous self-discipline, to train their minds and bodies to endure hardships, persevere in the face of adversity, and maintain unwavering focus on their goals. Embracing stoicism does not mean rejecting emotions or suppressing them entirely. It means developing emotional intelligence, to be able to understand what’s within your control and what is not, to be able to differentiate the time of action and the time of grief, being in touch with one’s feelings doesn’t mean being emotional, but finding healthy ways to cope with adversities and navigate through life’s challenges.

If the topic of stoicism has intrigued you, there’s much more to be explored. I have barely touched the surface of this philosophy. My goal here is to dissociate this very important masculine characteristic from the mockery it’s been reduced to by modern thought. Stoicism is not merely a dismissible caricature of unemotional men, but a profound and nuanced approach to life, offering guidance and wisdom in navigating its challenges.

I hope with this blogpost to encourage men to cultivate inner resilience, develop emotional intelligence, and foster a sense of equanimity in the face of adversity. To emphasizes the importance of self-mastery, virtue, and living in accordance with nature, enabling individuals to lead more meaningful and fulfilling lives.

Moreover, my aspiration is to ignite a spark of inspiration within men to embrace Stoicism in its entirety. In a world that promotes fleeting pleasures and superficial pursuits, Stoicism serves as a guiding light, offering a path to personal growth, self-reflection, and ethical living. By embracing Stoicism, men can tap into their inner strength, cultivate resilience, and forge a sense of purpose that transcends the transient and superficial aspects of contemporary society.
In conclusion, this exploration of Stoicism is an invitation to all men to delve into the depths of an ancient philosophy that holds timeless relevance. It is a call to emancipate masculinity from the confines of misconceptions and rekindle its significance in the modern world. May this journey of discovery inspire more men to embrace Stoicism as a transformative force, leading to a life of virtue, tranquility, and fulfillment. Be stoic.